apprehensions

somehow i found the will to go on

and let go of all that bound me to that old hearth...

i was not to be disappointed in my decision;

as i found you waiting outside the next road...

you looked happy in your dazzling attire,

but shed a small tear on my tattered look...

could you ever imagine how happy i was, though;

it was my resolve to find a new road to tread on

that made you all the more happy and dazzling...

i could have taken you along and remained happy

for all the time that is left of this resurrected body.

but i would never be so selfish and greedy

so as to keep you away from your loved ones...

i know how you cherish and love them

and have remained their pillar of strength...

they would, certainly, go astray in your absence.

that apprehension made me run a long run

it was devoid of fun, frolic and invigoration...

and i have learned my lessons the hard way...

may be i should stop believing what i only apprehend

because i am again running a lonely race......

........dedicated to the SAD phase of everybody's life...

meeting my death

Edit
i happen to meet my death!!!
by Aasif Khanday on Monday, August 8, 2011 at 4:59am

there was a moment: of exasperation

and of a feeling as if i saw death looking down at my face...

that moment came, after a long night's sleep

when normally i should have been feeling soberer-

than any other night where i switch my sides a hundred time-

but i felt the urge to go back to sleep...

to that world, where there is all so black and white-

but yes, sometimes my dreams are in color also

though blurred, shady and entertaining miserly-

and mostly i get to play by my own rules...

i would visit a place and not worry about money;

i would go out with a girl and not worry about its consequences;

i would build a garden and cherish its shade;

i would through a party and be the chief entertainer;

i would make friends with everyone and foes with none;

i would just fly and go to my dear ones;

i would think...and it would just happen.......

so why would i want to wake up from that world,

where there is everything in my control?

for all that i had left behind the night before i slept?

that may be right, as i do love those who shower their love on me...

and want to live for them, for so long as the providence helps it...

but just for once, the day i over-slept........

i did not want to come from my dreamy stupor...

i wanted to live for myself and forget about the world...

as soon as i was back to the dreamland,

i saw death staring me in my face....

no color was there, no whiteness either...

it was all so black with none of my dreamland-rules working...

i was only too happy to bid the sleep adieu...

and since then, my sleep hasn't been my best escape

to all the worries that threaten my happy survival...

the idea of nilam k

Edit
taking a straight line is not always profitable...
by Aasif Khanday on Friday, August 12, 2011 at 6:15pm

Not to be cowed down easily,

I thought of an escape from the struggle

Lest it changes me for the worse.

And in a flash, i understood thus:

Moving in a straight line isn't always profitable...

Killing time and abusing it well,

Around my life's journey has fared much.

Kissing a frog would it tantamount,

Ask me if the trend would continue.

Towards a goal of self-aggrandisement

I hope i wont sacrifice my soul....

.........dedicated to all those who have a bright doze of selflessness to their nature...

.........especially to the one that this is intended to...

existence.........

I exist. And i don’t want to know, why?
But i do know that this existence is ‘real’
Whatever we are promised, rough or kind...
That could be real after it materializes.
My senses tell me to enjoy life till then
With this closely embedded in my mind...

Thence many of worries just evaporated
And i began to embark on a detour of world.
Its happiness in reality, and its worries solid wax...
What, if i fail to get glued to one of them
Both put me off, for i fear to remain stuck.
In this state of my mind, which is ever in flux...

But then nothing has ever been definite
In my life’s experience, thus far in the world.
To move around here, without being a bore...
And experience things that i missed thus far.
That is the goal of life, at his moment of time
But still I don’t know, what tomorrow has in store!!!

nocturnal musings...

this i wrote quit a while back...

NOCTURNAL MUSINGS

I was dreaming of a calm wilderness
And thought of visiting an enchanting place
Somewhere in the lush green forests of Australia
And sleep for eternity, in its embrace.

I set forth on the journey in the broad daylight
But reached there in the dead of the night
And I could not find a place where to lie down
So I came back to the lonely, prickly, homely sight.

I wished a sweet sleep to occupy me-
After this hackneyed journey to Australia-
And wanted to get up fresh in the morn
Intact, and with all my paraphernalia.

But could I wonder what happened next!
A thousand times my sleep got disturbed
And I stood up panting and sweating
But went back to sleep, little perturbed.

Yet another night came to irritate me
Once again I was lonely, and made a wish
May He grant me the buxom company?
But He lullabied me to sleeps’ dish.

Thereafter He made me visit his abode
And showed me heaven and the hell
Buxom ones in heaven were dark and ugly
But the ones in hell were sweet, anyone could tell.

Now I was given the choice to choose
Among the either one from the two sections:
The ones from heaven gave me shudders
Though will positively mend my actions.

The ones from hell had my tongue rolling
And I toyed with the idea of having them over
Till I was told that if I thought of doing so
I’d have to give them company, henceforth, forever.

I asked for grand forgiveness from the Lord
For troubling him with my weird wishes
And recalled my mothers’ unique spice
Which turns bitter eatables into sweet dishes.

Let me share that magical spice with you-
For you won’t have this under thousand suns-
‘Whenever you don’t find solace in things,
Go for them keeping in mind your loved ones’.

I had this voluntary bidding secured up my sleeve
And use it if I feel at anytime, troublesome;
To have a nicer run with life, henceforth
And thus add all scratches for a perfect sum.
................................aasif........

kissing mud!!!

this one i would like to think as if it happened the way it may seem to you....
Kissing mud
Finding my feet in the sticky mud
I tried to come out, but fell with a thud
Down I went, with mud all over me
A little of it I tasted, how sour it be!
Someone was observing the show nearby
And her loud laughter made me sigh.
I gazed in her direction, giving a cold stare
But her look made me weak, and I couldn’t dare
To admonish her for that fiendish delight
With my quandary, mud all over my height
I got up confused, and walked towards her
She stopped laughing, in that moments’ spur
I myself, now, had a laugh at my mud-fate
And she pleaded sorry for laughing at my state.
I replied I was okay, but that she had to pay
The price for her behavior in such a way.
She got on edge, and feared the worst
I reveled at her state, till I happily burst
In another round of a restrained, merry laugh
Still in fear and worry, being only five and a half
It was now my turn, humbly, to say sorry
And I politely implored of her not to worry.
I requested, to pour some water over my body;
So that I would cease to look so shoddy
And people won’t find excuses, and be bound,
To go on a laughing spree and fart around.
She gleefully heeded to my timely request
And even rinsed my back, not at my behest.
I thanked her profusely for the help rendered
And we exchanged names, well tendered.
She ended up as my best friend, selflessly helpful;
As we laughed at each other, without being pitiful.
The incident made me nonetheless wiser:
In a hearty, meaningful laugh, don’t be a miser.

A NURSED APPLE LOST

this piece i wrote in a fit of melancholic nostalgia, weighing my life's regrets and misdemeanors.
......
I nursed an apple till it grew ripe
And waited patiently to devour it.
In spite of myself, I could not pluck it.
Then I thought; let me wait till it falls down itself.
I waited, and my craving for it only increased.
It would have been about to fall down,
When I received the terrible caveat:
‘That a storm is coming in that direction
Which may take away everything with it’.
I was not afraid of the storm, for I lay safe.
But still, frantically ran away from the spot.
Why would anything else pluck it out,
When it was I who nursed it for so long?
I did not wait to see if the detestable storm
Really brought down my cherished fruit.
Far away from that green orchard of yore
I am now in scorching deserts, wailing and ranting;
Looking for the storm to implore of it
Did it really take away my apple?

blah blah! and blah!

in the last few weeks i may have mentioned to a dear friend that i am contemplating suicide if i would not be able to get things straight sooner than they may let me believe. coming from person who would advise a whole generation against the vagaries and childishness of a suicide, this was a shock for both of us. though i may not profess to contemplate that i was only kidding when i told my friend about this nice contemplative misadventure of mine, i think now-in all my senses sitting in the cosiness of my library-that i never toyed with this idea in my individual normal state.
the thing is what am i supposed to do when i am myself responsible for the agony that i find myself in often and on...i have to write to-for instance-in order to make amends in my academic life and thus find myself a semblance of normality in my life. bit that is not the case at this moment of time. sometimes i feel that i could never do a thing in my life that i propose to do before-hand. for a number of reasons therefore, i have begun to feel that it is not a good thing to plan things in advance and instead, strive to enjoy every moment as it happens and let the nature and your life take their own course. what a pleasant surprise it would be if you could get a much cherished thing without planning for it.
lately i have also tried to get the basic contradiction in the relative importance and preference of identity issues having being enmeshed in my life as against my preferences as an individual. i think i have been too involved with those aspects of my life that have a bearing on my own person alone and i tend to make use of such preferences in all aspects of my life and beyond it. that i need to have these two aspects of my life separated and give them their own preferences at different points of time in my life may serve my cause immensely...and may be then, i would never have to think of suicide again as it is bound to give me a purpose in my life;;;

search for a traveller!!!

my biggest inspiration so far in my life was a person of the opposite sex at the university. owing to a number of reasons i could not open my heart out to her and in the process lost out a potential friend, not to speak of a better-half. because that was never on my mind. in the last four months, i have written the maximum number of writeups owing to her influence and inspiration drawn from her. i am indebtd to her for a number of reasons. with the passage of time i may be writing about her many more times to come...here i would write a few lines that i had scribbled on my personal diary a while back...

In the green, charming valleys
Overlooking blue, clear waters,
Sans choas, and sans sorrow
I stood transfixed, with no fetters.
She remained by my side
All through my delusions
I could not fathom how to end
All my unseen, illusions.
That was long ago, before
I used to be a scribbler;
But still could not understand
Who was then, my benefactor.
The serene and pure, and pristine
Valleys and rivers, and hills;
Or the demure beauty by my side
Who occasionaly gave me thrills.
I slowly cosied up to former
Took from it, and gave it all
But the latter was not being easy
Her brain big! her heart so small!
So i continued listening to her,
Did all that she called out for.
But i distanced myself, thence
When she herself, went afar...
I was just a phase in her life
A traveller, with whom she talked a little;
But by then, she became my life,
A traveller, who could have never left me idle!!!

an unlikely inspiration!

so many people meet you in your life who invariably get either into your good books or the bad ones. some act as your inspiration, some act as your friends, some as your well-wishers and there are others who put on different faces on them and it becomes difficult for us to fathom what sort of a position that person actually has in your life. some are out and out your foes and i have little experience of such persons- which begets me to stop blabbering about them as i may find my foot in the wrong mouth. among all my acquaintances, i like those who inspire me to do better in life. usually such persons are close to me; but there are some who i dont know much about, but still adore and respect them for the little things of affection, friendship, gratitude or plain acquaintance that they have showered upon me at different points of time in my life.below i will write down a small writeup which i have written in memory of one such person, whom i hardly know. but a few times i have met her, i have felt something strange towards her. for obvious reasons, i could not like to give away her name; but those smart folks out there who know both of us, may guess from this poetic writeup itself who i am talking about...if she herself finds it out, i hope thiss doesn't embarass or hurt her...
(rejoinder:the jest of theis poem has nothing to do with her; it is all hypothetical)

You were sceptical about me
And had written me off early!
'Got nothing to share with the world
Yearning, still, to attain fame'
As a considerate, acquising fellow
Something made me believe in you-
Except that i followed you blindly-
Noticing such a rection from me
In a flash you changed your stance...

"Born we are with similar features
A brain, two hands, and two legs
Raising the bar above a few notchs
Except the use of brain is but none;
Take my word, go fight for your ideals
House a loving heart to back them up..."

jalta hai kya???

i was not even little disappointed on hearing about the result of net and kas exams in the past one week or so. though i had not participated fully in the kas exam, but i did in the other one and have now been credited with a third successive defeat on this national exam of eligibility for lectureship. there are a number of reasons for my lack of instant disappointment over this failure, but there is sure to arise with the passing of the coming days, a sense of disappointment. that in itself is another matter altogether.
first let me try to identify the causes behind the first reaction-or the lack of it:
1. i had not prepared well for this exam and this goes in sync with my philosophy of everybody needs to be given his due...
2. the second thing is that i am presently outside my home and any sort of failure has to let me make miserable to get a reaction from me--this simply didn't, not at this moment of time.
the second thing may happen due to the assumption that some of my colleagues may have cracked-or may crack in the case of kas-the exam and thus will prove to be a sore in my spine and render me spineless till the time i may get something bigger than these two things...

starting again...

it is after a long time that i have remembered my blog that i created when i was in KU. though i dont know if anybody has ever read my blog or not, but i have every reason to believe that they may do so in the future.
presently, i am in Hyderabad and am going through a very lean phase due to the disturbances back home. i could not get myself glued to books or to any other work of any importance. i keep wasting my time in those pursuits which harm me immensely-personally, academically and psychologically. in the ensuing i days i will recount some of those things that i presently suffer with...

serious confusion

i am in aligarh and am finding it really difficult to the set up that i am in, these days. i am not a student of any university , though i am trying to get admission in a few of the reputed ones. my tension will only subside if that happens at the earliest. otherwise i am destined to indulge in useless pursuitsa like these, spending time on the net ande reading the fucking literature, literally.
besides, i would like to go on na vacation, which is in my mind for a couple of weks now, but that simply does not materialise, largely because of the apprehensions due to the coming independence day.

don't worry

when a person is asking for help and finds all his friends giving advice about keeping calm and steady,then there is a matter of utmost importance that needs to be carefully tackled. can there be anyone who understands the heart of a person so that he may be able to help him. not many, i suppose. but the others need to be made aware of our inner feelings so that they will think of lending a helping hand in matters of grave concern and misery. that is where friends are tested upon. the earlier category-who are the ones providing a helping hand without been asked for- are probably those ones who will be classified beyond friends............................................................I normally would not bore you by such philosophical stuff that does not reveal much and makes one think haphazardly here and there. so i promise that such stuff will remain little and only occasional. actually i am going through a very tense period these very days due to exam, family and above all this KLR problem of our's--which takes a lot of our mind from our exams. so once these three problems regarding myself are resolved to the best of my satisfaction , i will be writing a lot funnier stuff for everybody's entertainment and timepass.

indebted

So it was our second paper and i must say that i am a lot happier for a number of reasons. unlike last time, i was able to attend to the whole paper --tyough it is yet another matter that a lot of the stuff that i pasted on the paper may not have any sense at all. again unlike the last time i met a lot of my classmates today and had a hearty laugh with a good number of them. i was confident from the start of the day as i went on with my chores-happily and without frustation. Again i remained happy throughout the duration of the class as our HOD wasn't to be seen for the entire duration. and only Fayaz knows why i will be happy by that. one more cause of my gayness will have to be the constant and unusual stops and pulling-of-faces regarding her paper which appealed to me. i hope that i will b able to get atleast 1 mark more than her- though only in this paper. javid sir also came and began pulling up my leg here and there. there is of course a lot more to tell and write but this is becoming unbearable due to the lack of cooling facilities in the library(KU) which are out of order today. i am getting wet from head to toe and the girl next to me is sure to run away in a few moments(i am really stinking)if i will not, myself, run away from here.

over stressed

My mind will burst someday. but i know how to cope as well. i only need your good wishes. yesterday i was made to go midway of writing my blog when Parvaiz-chem, called me. and my blog was left incomplete. someone has to make me remember what i was writing about yesterday. Obiously it was about you--Fayaz. i will be writing for you for some time now. Yes, now i remember. i wrote about going by your gut feeling and using your strong points to defend yourself and project yourself in a dignified way. never underestimate yourself as you have got a lot of inherent capabilities that a majority of your counterparts lack. also never shy away from your responsibilities and opportunities. grab every opportunity that comes your way in order to increase your prestige and aura among the students and teachers.in order to learn a thing never shy away from it--even if you have to strangle a few of your not-so-neccessary ideals and principles. have a good rapport with the girl folk as segregation will lead to raised-eyebrows. i know you will balance this well and will not be distracted a bit by them in the process.May God will help you in this endeavour-to come out clean from the den of bikini-clad girls and that successfuly. i want to write a lot but will now stop to know your reaction to my blogs. only after that will i continue my blogs and this fictitious-cum-advisory series regarding your stay in delhi...................aaaaaaaaaakkkkk.

doomed

I am doomed to fail if i continue this way. today it was my first paper in the ongoing exams and i don't feel i am feeling sorry to say that i have not done well in the exam. as i didn't try my best for the exam, may be that was a reason for this poor performance. but that is no excuse which will save me before a normal human being who neither knows my intuition nor my dullness; according to my own self these are two hallmarks of mine which carry me forward. actually the problem with me is that i don't know what my goal is. i think of a thousand different things during the course of a day- not to speak of any long term plans- which lure me towards themselves. i wish somebody out there in the vast world of web, gives me a sincere opinion about my goals and plans for the future-----but yes that excludes the ever ready-for-advice friend of mine---FAYAZ. this is because i know what he is going to say for my problem. As for Fayaz, he has got loads of advice from me in my other blogs.

distances

I want to tell the whole world that i am not a weak person. if a friend of mine is going to remain away from me for a pretty long period of time, i will not be complaining. today-fayaz-after going through tiring and streneous few days left for New Delhi and now is going to remain away for a pretty long period of time. i wish him all the very best in the city of Dilwalaz. as the exams are approaching i may not be able to write that occasionally as i used to write. but i will try my best to convey everything that i feel close towards;across the vast web service that i have availed of in the form of blogging. the one thing that i want my readers to know is that i write blogs essentially for myself. but i will not rule out the possibility of writing them for my friends and foes alike:the idea being whosoever will be able to strike my heart or mind, firstly..................

bolt from D BLUE

I may have sounded quite optimistic yesterday when i drooled over the possibilities of a happy and delightful union with my friend sometime next year-- when i thought both of us will be able to join the Reputed varsity next year. but today i am one of the most disspirited, disapointed, disgusted and perplexed of all the known human beings to me. the reason being that a dear--I hope i will not be loathing him or his decisions anytime, anywhere--friend of mine has decided to join JNU this year and make all of us--a full department of about two hundred souls--suffer and miss him a lot. i know that everybody around will cope with the passage of time. but the same is not the case with myself. i shall have to face this disaster of not being able to make it to the selected candidates of JNU's history batch for this current year. i accept till tommorow--when i didn't know whether my buddy was going to join the varsity or not--i was not feeling the same thing. but his decision made all the difference. that is not to say that i wished that he should not go there. on the contrary, when i saw his enthusiasm, i prodded him to go as this was a golden chance and ought not be missed. so many are happy with him and so many of the others have cogratulated him on this dubious distinction of getting the admission to this reputed varsity. i-- on my part may not have congratulated him in the earliest--wish him a very fruitful stay at Delhi. May God save him from all those things which he considers 'bad' and give him in abundance all those things which he considers as 'good'. I again pray to God that to make me join him next year in a happy reunion.

disapointment?

so this is all over. today it was the day of JNU results and i am not selected. but why do i give a damn about the fact that i haven't been able to pass this exam.? i was not serious in the first place when i applied for the PG course in the same subject in which i am doing my present PG from the KU. from the time of filling up the form to the time of going for the exam. i had lost further zeal to give a serious thiught about this exam. i played with the paper and was very happy throughout. A friend of mine was also giving this exam and he has been selected. but i know for sure that with all his enthusiasm he could not be able to go for this course in this most reputed institute of the country-- due to so many reasons. ideally i would not have given a thought about being a little bit disapointed if and ever i was not going to pass this exam. but the selection of my buddy made myself aware of something grave lacking in me-- which i need to find out and get myself benefitted from that in future.i know for sure that it is in me to pass such an exam. so why not push myself to some more limit in the future and reap the benefits of hardworkn? let the people talk as they would like to till then. i will always have the instant reply to their taunts--in the form of uselessness to have passed this exam. at a time when it was not needed by us!!!!!!!!! But in everybody's life there is a person whose views, comments and criticism about us are valuable--and may be killing at times. i hope the one in my life may not be harsher upon myself on this occasion. because that really disapoints......nah???