search for a traveller!!!

my biggest inspiration so far in my life was a person of the opposite sex at the university. owing to a number of reasons i could not open my heart out to her and in the process lost out a potential friend, not to speak of a better-half. because that was never on my mind. in the last four months, i have written the maximum number of writeups owing to her influence and inspiration drawn from her. i am indebtd to her for a number of reasons. with the passage of time i may be writing about her many more times to come...here i would write a few lines that i had scribbled on my personal diary a while back...

In the green, charming valleys
Overlooking blue, clear waters,
Sans choas, and sans sorrow
I stood transfixed, with no fetters.
She remained by my side
All through my delusions
I could not fathom how to end
All my unseen, illusions.
That was long ago, before
I used to be a scribbler;
But still could not understand
Who was then, my benefactor.
The serene and pure, and pristine
Valleys and rivers, and hills;
Or the demure beauty by my side
Who occasionaly gave me thrills.
I slowly cosied up to former
Took from it, and gave it all
But the latter was not being easy
Her brain big! her heart so small!
So i continued listening to her,
Did all that she called out for.
But i distanced myself, thence
When she herself, went afar...
I was just a phase in her life
A traveller, with whom she talked a little;
But by then, she became my life,
A traveller, who could have never left me idle!!!

an unlikely inspiration!

so many people meet you in your life who invariably get either into your good books or the bad ones. some act as your inspiration, some act as your friends, some as your well-wishers and there are others who put on different faces on them and it becomes difficult for us to fathom what sort of a position that person actually has in your life. some are out and out your foes and i have little experience of such persons- which begets me to stop blabbering about them as i may find my foot in the wrong mouth. among all my acquaintances, i like those who inspire me to do better in life. usually such persons are close to me; but there are some who i dont know much about, but still adore and respect them for the little things of affection, friendship, gratitude or plain acquaintance that they have showered upon me at different points of time in my life.below i will write down a small writeup which i have written in memory of one such person, whom i hardly know. but a few times i have met her, i have felt something strange towards her. for obvious reasons, i could not like to give away her name; but those smart folks out there who know both of us, may guess from this poetic writeup itself who i am talking about...if she herself finds it out, i hope thiss doesn't embarass or hurt her...
(rejoinder:the jest of theis poem has nothing to do with her; it is all hypothetical)

You were sceptical about me
And had written me off early!
'Got nothing to share with the world
Yearning, still, to attain fame'
As a considerate, acquising fellow
Something made me believe in you-
Except that i followed you blindly-
Noticing such a rection from me
In a flash you changed your stance...

"Born we are with similar features
A brain, two hands, and two legs
Raising the bar above a few notchs
Except the use of brain is but none;
Take my word, go fight for your ideals
House a loving heart to back them up..."

jalta hai kya???

i was not even little disappointed on hearing about the result of net and kas exams in the past one week or so. though i had not participated fully in the kas exam, but i did in the other one and have now been credited with a third successive defeat on this national exam of eligibility for lectureship. there are a number of reasons for my lack of instant disappointment over this failure, but there is sure to arise with the passing of the coming days, a sense of disappointment. that in itself is another matter altogether.
first let me try to identify the causes behind the first reaction-or the lack of it:
1. i had not prepared well for this exam and this goes in sync with my philosophy of everybody needs to be given his due...
2. the second thing is that i am presently outside my home and any sort of failure has to let me make miserable to get a reaction from me--this simply didn't, not at this moment of time.
the second thing may happen due to the assumption that some of my colleagues may have cracked-or may crack in the case of kas-the exam and thus will prove to be a sore in my spine and render me spineless till the time i may get something bigger than these two things...

starting again...

it is after a long time that i have remembered my blog that i created when i was in KU. though i dont know if anybody has ever read my blog or not, but i have every reason to believe that they may do so in the future.
presently, i am in Hyderabad and am going through a very lean phase due to the disturbances back home. i could not get myself glued to books or to any other work of any importance. i keep wasting my time in those pursuits which harm me immensely-personally, academically and psychologically. in the ensuing i days i will recount some of those things that i presently suffer with...

serious confusion

i am in aligarh and am finding it really difficult to the set up that i am in, these days. i am not a student of any university , though i am trying to get admission in a few of the reputed ones. my tension will only subside if that happens at the earliest. otherwise i am destined to indulge in useless pursuitsa like these, spending time on the net ande reading the fucking literature, literally.
besides, i would like to go on na vacation, which is in my mind for a couple of weks now, but that simply does not materialise, largely because of the apprehensions due to the coming independence day.

don't worry

when a person is asking for help and finds all his friends giving advice about keeping calm and steady,then there is a matter of utmost importance that needs to be carefully tackled. can there be anyone who understands the heart of a person so that he may be able to help him. not many, i suppose. but the others need to be made aware of our inner feelings so that they will think of lending a helping hand in matters of grave concern and misery. that is where friends are tested upon. the earlier category-who are the ones providing a helping hand without been asked for- are probably those ones who will be classified beyond friends............................................................I normally would not bore you by such philosophical stuff that does not reveal much and makes one think haphazardly here and there. so i promise that such stuff will remain little and only occasional. actually i am going through a very tense period these very days due to exam, family and above all this KLR problem of our's--which takes a lot of our mind from our exams. so once these three problems regarding myself are resolved to the best of my satisfaction , i will be writing a lot funnier stuff for everybody's entertainment and timepass.

indebted

So it was our second paper and i must say that i am a lot happier for a number of reasons. unlike last time, i was able to attend to the whole paper --tyough it is yet another matter that a lot of the stuff that i pasted on the paper may not have any sense at all. again unlike the last time i met a lot of my classmates today and had a hearty laugh with a good number of them. i was confident from the start of the day as i went on with my chores-happily and without frustation. Again i remained happy throughout the duration of the class as our HOD wasn't to be seen for the entire duration. and only Fayaz knows why i will be happy by that. one more cause of my gayness will have to be the constant and unusual stops and pulling-of-faces regarding her paper which appealed to me. i hope that i will b able to get atleast 1 mark more than her- though only in this paper. javid sir also came and began pulling up my leg here and there. there is of course a lot more to tell and write but this is becoming unbearable due to the lack of cooling facilities in the library(KU) which are out of order today. i am getting wet from head to toe and the girl next to me is sure to run away in a few moments(i am really stinking)if i will not, myself, run away from here.