blah blah! and blah!

in the last few weeks i may have mentioned to a dear friend that i am contemplating suicide if i would not be able to get things straight sooner than they may let me believe. coming from person who would advise a whole generation against the vagaries and childishness of a suicide, this was a shock for both of us. though i may not profess to contemplate that i was only kidding when i told my friend about this nice contemplative misadventure of mine, i think now-in all my senses sitting in the cosiness of my library-that i never toyed with this idea in my individual normal state.
the thing is what am i supposed to do when i am myself responsible for the agony that i find myself in often and on...i have to write to-for instance-in order to make amends in my academic life and thus find myself a semblance of normality in my life. bit that is not the case at this moment of time. sometimes i feel that i could never do a thing in my life that i propose to do before-hand. for a number of reasons therefore, i have begun to feel that it is not a good thing to plan things in advance and instead, strive to enjoy every moment as it happens and let the nature and your life take their own course. what a pleasant surprise it would be if you could get a much cherished thing without planning for it.
lately i have also tried to get the basic contradiction in the relative importance and preference of identity issues having being enmeshed in my life as against my preferences as an individual. i think i have been too involved with those aspects of my life that have a bearing on my own person alone and i tend to make use of such preferences in all aspects of my life and beyond it. that i need to have these two aspects of my life separated and give them their own preferences at different points of time in my life may serve my cause immensely...and may be then, i would never have to think of suicide again as it is bound to give me a purpose in my life;;;